Heated Discussion
/
We live in a divided time of heated debates and discussions.
Social media can be a rampage of opinion pushing and accusation throwing. Dinner conversations that used to be a time of connection are overtaken with the passionate sharing of convictions. Work-place dialogue on any issue is dangerous.
How do you handle yourself during these heated discussions? Rather than just getting your point across, have you tried purposefully, intentionally asking questions?
Author Gregory Koukl offers two great questions you can use when in a discussion: The first is, What do you mean by that? And the second is, How did you come to that conclusion?
Pretty simple, right? You're having a discussion and the other person throws out a strong statement. Your shoulders tense up. You grit your jaw. You're ready to verbally spar. But, instead of immediately pushing back to get your point across, you ask, “what do you mean by that?”
That question, or some variation of it, let's the person know you're hearing them and that you value what they have to say. You're also clarifying to make sure that you actually understand the terms they're using, position they're taking or ideas they believe.
“What do you mean by that” also puts the other person in a position where they have to explain their strong statement further. We live in a sound-byte society and it is possible they are just boldly saying something they've heard, but not ever thought about what it means, or if they actually believe it. This first question prompts them to really make sure they know what they're saying.
Second, ask, How did you come to that conclusion? This lets you into their life experience. As you listen to their answer, you begin to understand why they think the way they do. "How did you come to that conclusion?" also makes them really think about why they are where they are.
Do they have any evidence for their thoughts? Is it just something they feel and don't know why? Did they have a bad experience which caused them to throw the baby out with the bathwater? "How did you come to that conclusion?" makes them think further about why they believe what they believe.
Once you've got here with someone, the discussion may still be tense, but you're still connected. It may be a great time to repeat what you've heard them say back to them. Then ask them a question about something that doesn't make sense. Or, ask if they'd like to hear your perspective. If they say yes, you now have their permission to share your point of view.
As Gregory Koukl says, questions can slow down a heated conversation. They also allow you to be a different kind of person in a divided world: someone who listens and tries to understand, but still stands firm in their convictions.
So next time you're heading for a heated discussion, ask questions first before you try to get your point across.